Let Kotaku’s Michael Fahey be your witty-yet-principled guide in this dangerous area of journalism.

Favourite quote:

PG: do you like the spandex ones?

MF: As I am happily attached, I cannot comment as to whether I like them or not.
MF: Definitely.
MF: Oops. Stupid keyboard, answering for me.

PG: lol

…and this gem.

PG: what should I do next?

MF: That is the most dangerous question a girl has ever asked me.

PG: uh oh

MF: I think you were going in the right direction with the whole panties thing, but that direction only leads to one thing.

PG: ?

MF: Dressing up in a penguin costume.

LOL indeed :)

But last night, when I least suspected (or appreciated) it, my Wii began to ignore me. I picked up a remote and pressed the power button to start the console, lights flashed on the remote but then went out again. Suspecting dead batteries from the festive season’s wild flailings I slotted in a new set of Vartas but to no avail.

The second remote caught my eye. Grasping the controller in my sweaty palm, I eagerly pressed ON. Well, actually I pressed the ‘O with a little I in the middle’ button but the effect was the same… Flashing lights then nothing. I downed a Red Bull, conceding that leaving the sofa would now be unavoidable.

Manually powering on the Wii with my atrophied index finger, I held down the Bluetooth sync button for 15 seconds to reset the controller assignments and then tried to resync the remotes. Both exhibited the same behaviour, all four lights flash for about half a minute then stop, makes no difference if I press sync on the console during this time or not.

Checking the forums gave me some additional ideas and a deep seated fear of speling rite. Still no brightly coloured hands floating round the screen. My Wii is useless without its remotes, I can’t even open Donkey Kong Country to play it with my Gamecube controller.

So, helpful and multitudinous readers, is my only recourse to return my Wii and second Wiimote to the manufacturer? The idea of waiting for an RMA number and packing all that stuff off to the Post Office is quite unappetising. But don’t y’all worry that I’ll get bored, the 360 still works and the last bad guy on Gears of War needs another few hundred headshots before he’ll f*cking die… mutter…

My actions might be a little more reserved if I were being watched… Wouldn’t want to look a ‘toolbox’!

My first Wii-related breakage happened when I forgot the Wiimote was strapped to my wrist, put it down and reached out for a glass of water, swinging the controller out of my lap and sluicing the coffee table. Stupid, I know – but I’m not alone.

A couple of people have reported accidentally hitting each other with the remote during frantic games of tennis, among many other things. Someone else has even put their Wiimote through the telly, with some force it would appear. The wrist strap cord looks like it will wear out quite quickly if it’s always being detached and reattached from the nunchuck socket, so I guess this is an insurance niche to watch in the future.

Those clever chaps at Rockstar know how to twist the knife though… no hot coffee this time, but boy on boy kissing is in! Very gay, but if anyone decides to say anything negative to the media, they’d better be ready for the left-wing backlash. Crafty, guys! Video after the link
Bully’s Boy/Boy Lovin’ – Kotaku (with a must-read comments section)
Oh yes… and rumour has it that one of the uphill gardeners at Bullsworth Academy is called Jack Thompson… sweet :)

For that reason, hardcore gamers go to online importers like Lik Sang to get their fix early. When the PSP was released in Japan but wouldn’t be available in Europe for months, even Sony executives in the UK bought their consoles from Lik Sang.

“Sony Europe’s very own top directors repeatedly got their Sony PSP hard or software imports in nicely packed Lik-Sang parcels with free Lik-Sang Mugs or Lik-Sang Badge Holders”

What thanks do Lik Sang get for their stellar service, massive range of products and expert advice? Why, Sony takes them to court in every EU country, creating a stack of legal charges that no small company could withstand and puts them out of business, of course.

Carrying on from Sony’s Rootkit scandal, I’m fast losing patience with them and their products. Here’s hoping Lik Sang’s staff can resurrect their company without losing the values that made them so popular.

Live is the perfect distribution channel for Minter’s output. Not only could Space Giraffe be a massive moneyspinner, but his whole back catalogue of Llama madness. I would definitely pay to play Tempest2000 again – without the massive Jaguar pad this time…

There are some expletive-laden screenshots on the quartertothree forums, which brings us to Minter’s second piece of genius… Why are the screenshots full of words like “horse smegma” and “otter spunk”? Forum member, Naked explains:

“[Jeff] uses the foul language to prevent sites like IGN posting shots like this (essentially WIP/Tech Test images he posts on his blog/forum) as ‘exclusive shots of Jeff Minter’s new game’ when they’re not exactly representative of everything he’s going for. It happened on Unity, leading to a bunch of silliness, so now he throws in some NSFW language as a (tongue in cheek) safeguard.”

Absolutely brilliant!

But, despite being a viral, and being from Sony, Toon Crisis is actually rather good. As you would expect from a music player advert the ‘toons’ from Gogol Bordello are brilliant, setting a manic ‘Turkish bazaar’ background to the 2.5D shoot-em-up action. I’m definitely gonna get some of their track for my iPod :)

I haven’t had this much fun with a flash game since that monkey asked me to spank him…

I refrained from joining in the clamour of puns and jokes that took the piss out of Nintendo's 'Wii'naming of the hugely anticipated games machine, waiting until I could find something really funny to say. Eventually I gave up and just decided to post this:

Noticed while reading a back issue of EDGE on the toilet (where best to contemplate the Wii?), this interview with Miyamoto predates the new name, but I've brought it up to date…

By November you'll all want to come over and play with my Wii, it's gonna be HUGE.